The Trump 2.0 Cabinet

Kristi Noem

Back in November 2024, shortly after Trump won the last election, the Grumpy Old Man committed to writing an objective, unbiased review of Trump's first 100 days in office. This is still is work in progress however in the interim I felt compelled to comment on some members of the Trump 2.0 cabinet, many of whom have surprised even the most ardent Trump supporters amongst my American friends and ex-colleagues. In my critique have also included individuals, who are not full cabinet members but are influential members of Trump's inner circle of 'advisors', boot lickers and policy makers.

Most Odious - No competition for this one, it has to be the deeply unlikeable sociopath, Steven Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff. A vile, xenophobic racist and hatemonger who was once booed off stage at high school for declaring "I am sick and tired of being told to pick up my trash, when we have janitors". A grotesque self-important, egotistical blow hard.

Most Sycophantic - Multiple contenders, however Howard Lutnick, Secretary of Commerce and Lickspittle in Chief. Lutnick stands out above all others for his gushing praise and sickening adulation of his Orange Master. A New York billionaire investor who displays a complete lack of empathy. Lutnick recently claimed that if Social Security did not send out their monthly checks due to DOGE cuts, his 94 year old mother-in-law "would not call to complain". Furthermore, he asserted that "fraudsters always make the loudest noise, screaming, yelling and complaining".

Most Ridiculous - Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security and Puppy Killer. With her botox enhanced Mar-A-Lago face, excessive lip filler and ridiculous hair extensions to her endless parade of absurd, cringeworthy costumes which to date, have included border patrol agent (on horse back with wide rimmed hat), ICE agent (with cap, bullet proof vest and automatic weapon), construction worker, electrician, plumber, welder (with hair extensions), fire-fighter and highway patrol officer.

Most Obnoxious - Nobody even comes close to matching Sebastian Gorka, Deputy Assistant to the President. Gorka has been fittingly described as an obnoxious, repugnant moron. His sanctimonious, dismissive demeanour coupled with his haughty ignorance and faux upper class British accent makes him a worthy and undisputed holder of the title of Most Obnoxious.

Most Clownish - None other than the laughable Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth. Previously a low ranking army officer and Fox News host. A deplorable, blethering idiot with a history of drunkeness and sexual harassment, who once paid a financial settlement to a woman who accused him of rape. A vain, alcohol impaired clown who is now in charge of an $841 billion defense budget and 3.2 million personnel, including 1.2 million active duty service members.

Most Ridiculous - Elon Musk, the unelected, completely unhinged South Africa born ex-head of DOGE. Notable for his bizarre behaviour such as uncontrollable leaping up and down, Nazi salutes, use of his four year old child 'X' as a prop, and prancing up and down the stage with a chain saw during an incoherent, drug fuelled appearance at the most recent CPAC conference. Also known for his preference of undersized black tee shirts and stupid hats and unintelligible word salads. Fast fading as he is now focused on trying to salvage what is left of his crappy car company.

Most Shameful - Marco Rubio aka 'Little Marco', Secretary of State and National Security Advisor. Once a fierce critic of Donald Trump calling him, amongst many other things a 'con artist'. Now a fully transformed MAGA convert and kiss-arse toadie. Unlike other members of Trump's preposterous cabinet, Rubio is experienced, extremely knowledgable and knows better however it seems he is willing to stoop to any level of personal humiliation to remain relevant and enhance his chances in the 2028 Presidential race.

Weirdest - A tie between Robert F. Kennedy, Secretary of Health and Peter Navarro, Counselor to the President. RFK is best known for his walnut complexion, his anti-vaccine beliefs, spreading conspiracy theories and his long history of weird, inexplicable behaviour including depositing a baby bear carcass in Central Park en-route to an evening engagement, sawing off a dead whale's head and driving home with it on his roof rack and explaining his occasional mental fogginess as being caused by "a worm that got into my brain and ate of portion of it and then died". Even his own family have disowned him.

Then there is Peter Navarro, a total kook who, according to reports, is the chief architect of Trump's chaotic tariff policy. It is rumoured that he was first introduced to Donald Trump through the then Grifter in Chief, Jared Kushner who found Navarro's book 'Death by China' on Amazon and contacted him. Navarro's economic views and theories are universally disputed and he is perhaps best known for frequent references in his books to the economist, Ron Vara. It turns out that Ron Vara is in fact a completely fictional character and the name is an anagram of Navarro. Described by Elon Musk as "a moron".

Most Under-qualified - Steve Witcoff, Special Envoy. A billionaire New York property developer who is leading Ukraine, Gaza and Iran peace negotiations. Witcoff, who has never held a Government or Diplomatic position, now shuttles between his various high level meetings on his own private jet. I do not doubt that Witcoff is an intelligent individual, but his solo attendance at Kremlin meetings with Putin is conspicuously odd. Normally such a high level interlocutor would travel with an entourage of experienced advisors and Russia specialists. At the most recent meeting Witcoff even used a Kremlin appointed interpretor. Witcoff's go it alone approach often exposes an alarming level of naivety such as his opinion that Putin is "not a bad guy".

Funniest - Robert F. Kennedy who once described people who fell in line with Trump's MAGA movement as "fleshy dominoes". That is of course, before he too fell into line and joined the chorus of grovelling sycophants praising The Dear Leader's genius.