The Trump 2.0 Cabinet

Kristi Noem

Back in November 2024, shortly after Trump won the last election, the Grumpy Old Man committed to writing an objective, unbiased review of Trump's first 100 days in office. This is still is work in progress however in the interim I felt compelled to comment on some members of the Trump 2.0 cabinet, many of whom have surprised even the most ardent Trump supporters amongst my American friends and ex-colleagues. My critique has also included individuals, who are not full cabinet members but are influential members of Trump's inner circle of 'advisors', boot lickers and policy makers'.

Most Odious - The horrible, deeply unlikeable sociopath, Steven Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff. A vile, xenophobic racist and hatemonger who was once booed off stage at high school for declaring "I am sick and tired of being told to pick up my trash, when we have janitors". A grotesque self-important, egotistical blow hard.

Most Sycophantic - Multiple contenders, however Howard Lutnick, Secretary of Commerce and Lickspittle in Chief. Lutnick stands out above all others for his gushing praise and sickening adulation of his Orange Master. A New York billionaire investor who displays a complete lack of empathy. Lutnick recently claimed that if Social Security did not send out their monthly checks due to DOGE cuts, his 94 year old mother-in-law "would not call to complain". Furthermore, he asserted that "fraudsters always make the loudest noise, screaming, yelling and complaining".

Most Ridiculous - Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security and Puppy Killer. With her botox enhanced Mar-A-Lago face, excessive lip filler and ridiculous hair extensions to her endless parade of absurd, cringeworthy costumes which to date, have included border patrol agent (on horse back with wide rimmed hat), ICE agent (with cap, bullet proof vest and automatic weapon), construction worker, electrician, plumber, welder (with hair extensions), fire-fighter and highway patrol officer.

Most Obnoxious - Nobody even comes close to matching Sebastian Gorka, Deputy Assistant to the President. Gorka has been fittingly described as an obnoxious, repugnant moron. His sanctimonious, dismissive demeanour coupled with his haughty ignorance and faux upper class British accent makes him a worthy and undisputed holder of the title of Most Obnoxious.

Most Clownish - The laughable Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth. Previously a low ranking army officer and Fox News host. A deplorable, incompetent idiot with a history of drunkeness and sexual harassment, who once paid a financial settlement to a woman who accused him of rape. A vain, alcohol impaired clown who is now in charge of an $841 billion defense budget and 3.2 million personnel, including 1.2 million active duty service members.

Maddest - Elon Musk, the unelected, completely unhinged South Africa born ex-head of DOGE. Notable for his bizarre behaviour such as uncontrollable leaping up and down, Nazi salutes, use of his four year old child 'X' as a prop, and prancing up and down the stage with a chainsaw during an incoherent, drug fuelled appearance at the CPAC conference. Also known for undersized black tee shirts, stupid hats and unintelligible word salads. A short-lived also-ran, now focused on trying to salvage what is left of his crappy car company.

Most Shameful - Marco Rubio aka 'Little Marco', Secretary of State and National Security Advisor. Once a fierce critic of Donald Trump calling him, amongst many other things a 'con artist'. Now a fully transformed MAGA convert and kiss-arse toadie. Unlike other members of Trump's preposterous cabinet, Rubio is experienced, extremely knowledgable and knows better however it seems he is willing to stoop to any level of personal humiliation to remain relevant and enhance his chances in the 2028 Presidential race. His contorted facial expressions often reveal the pain he feels.

Weirdest - A tie between Robert F. Kennedy, Secretary of Health and Peter Navarro, Counselor to the President. RFK is best known for his sun damaged walnut complexion, his anti-vaccine convictions, preposterous conspiracy theories and his long history of inexplicable behaviour such as depositing a baby bear carcass in Central Park en-route to an evening engagement, sawing off a dead whale's head and driving home with it on his roof rack and explaining his occasional mental fogginess as being caused by "a worm that got into my brain and ate of portion of it and then died". Even his own family have disowned him.

Then there is Peter Navarro, an absolute kook who, according to reports, is the chief architect of Trump's chaotic tariff policy. It is rumoured that he was first introduced to Donald Trump through the then Grifter in Chief, Jared Kushner who found Navarro's book 'Death by China' on Amazon and contacted him. Navarro's economic views and theories are universally disputed and he is perhaps best known for frequent references in his books to the economist, Ron Vara. It turns out that Ron Vara is infact a completely fictional character and an anagram of Navarro. Fittingly described by Elon Musk as "a moron".

Most Under-qualified - Steve Witcoff, Special Envoy. A billionaire New York property developer and golf buddy of Donald Trump. Witcoff is leading the Ukraine, Gaza and Iran peace negotiations. Witcoff, who has never held a Government or Diplomatic position, now shuttles between his various high level meetings on his own private jet. I have no doubt that Witcoff is a highly intelligent individual, but his solo attendance at Kremlin meetings with Putin is conspicuously odd. Normally such a high level interlocutor would travel with an entourage of experienced advisors and Russia specialists. At the most recent meeting Witcoff even used a Kremlin appointed interpretor. Witcoff's go it alone approach often exposes an alarming level of naivety.

Funniest - Robert F. Kennedy who once described people who fell in line with Trump's MAGA movement as "fleshy dominoes". That is of course, before he too fell into line and joined the chorus of grovelling sycophants praising the genius of The Greatest President in America's history.

I could go on, the list of under-qualified incompetents is endless. FBI Director Kash Patel and his very odd Deputy, Dan Bongino. Attorney General, Pam Bondi, the Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard. Then we have the Border Tsar, Tom Homan who seems to struggle piecing together simple sentences, and perhaps the most ludicrous, Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon.